I thought that, with guidance from my psychologist, I had reached a point where I was no longer negatively affected by destructive criticism from my PhD advisors. “We need to immunise you against their comments,” my psychologist tells me. A few days ago, however, my PhD advisor stumbled across an apparent sore spot I failed to notice – My Achilles’ heel, I guess.
The incident occurred on 7 July 2021 during a meeting between me and my three advisors whom I will refer to as Advisor A, Advisor B, and Advisor C. Advisor A, for some unknown reason, thought it was appropriate to ask the following question:
“Is this enough data for a PhD, or will you be awarded a Masters instead?”
Shock. Confusion. Did he really just ask that?? Advisor B also looked shocked, and Advisor C defended me, “You shouldn’t ask that question. I think she has plenty of data. Let’s just let her focus on finishing her experiments and writing her thesis, and then we’ll see what it looks like.”
This rebuttal offered some comfort, but the damage was already done. His words hurt so deeply that, like a bruise, the true extent of the injury took days to develop.
In the hours that followed the meeting I had chest pain and feelings of panic, despair, and dread that I kept pushing away. I was also angry. Really angry.
The following day I woke up feeling a deep sense of loss – as if someone I loved had died – as well as shame and utter hopelessness. I began to realise that the worst part about it is that he may be right – maybe I will be awarded a masters instead of a PhD. What then? What if I endured 4 years of utter torture only to miss out on my dream of becoming a doctor? The first doctor in my family for that matter.
My anger is multiplied by the fact that I would have a lot more data if Advisor A didn’t persuade me to chase what I now realise were irrelevant tangents using outdated methods for almost an entire year. I lament the day this man ever became my PhD advisor.
It’s now been a few days since that horrid meeting and, regardless of whether he’s right or not, I’m still so angry. As an advisor to a PhD candidate, if you genuinely believe your PhD candidate does not have enough data to be awarded their PhD, there are much better ways to communicate this rather than a flippant, unexpected, unwarranted question in the middle of an otherwise pleasant meeting.
He is fully aware of the delicate state of my mental health (when I told him I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression he told me, “Just be positive”) and yet he chose to assault my emotional state and leave me feeling unmotivated and worthless.
I can’t wait for this PhD to be over.
